Hi, my name is Frank and I am totally unqualified to review coffee, but I’m going to do it anyway. Why? Because one of the great things coffee does, my coffee at least, is make you unrealistically optimistic about everything. So here goes.

I do my coffee things a little different. I order my coffee beans –green — from an online retailer called Sweet Maria’s out of somewhere in Cali. Once the beans arrive at my door, I have to roast them. I do this by using an oven, a roasting pan, and some good ol’ American Reynolds Wrap. I preheat the oven at 400 degrees, spread out some beans on the pan, and insert said pan into the oven. Now, once the roasting begins, you have the option to roast the green beans as dark brown as you like. Generally speaking, the lighter the roast, the higher the caffeine content but the less intense the flavor. This particular set of beans (from the packaging: “Mexico Org. Celso Garcia Coop, City+ to FC+, Unequivocal brown sugar sweetness counters bittering cocoa tones, roasted almond, pecan nut accents. Good for espresso”) in its “blonde” or lightly roasted form (it has a light brown color to it), has a very “light” flavor. Not very intense either way. I am tempted to say neutral, but that seems incorrect somehow. It does have a hint of nuttiness to it and also a hint of sweetness. But very light, and does not linger upon one’s breath in a foul manner. In fact, it makes me think of a poem by that great American poet Jenna Jehova Java that goes, like:

Soft upon one’s kissèd breath
Staving off the fiends of wicked death
This coffee doth not linger
Unlike the Scythèd, crooked finger
Now, all perked, we’ll feel as birds, as fresh
And muse upon our eternal, wingèd rest.

Yes, I think that sums everything up quite nicely. Except for this:

This coffee, in its shadow hours, also brings forth wild dreams. Last night, these dreams included the following:
A skinny man with brown hair was in a green and white striped polo shirt, on the phone trying to get someone to date him, while in the background a big hand — pink and unusually large — came over the face of a supine victim, and eventually sent him off to death with long, octopus-like fingers wiggling wildly.

In the second, a man in big, ‘80’s-style glasses was in front of a room of employees and management and was talking about the importance of property insurance. He was also pulling these little ticker-tapes through the wall. There was a lot of chatter in between the times when he was talking, as if the people in the assembly were anxious or nervous or distrustful or something. Lots of conversations and a general atmosphere of confusion and near-chaos punctuated by the times he would pull these ticker-tapes through the wall and then make an announcement about the importance of obtaining the proper amount of property insurance.

So, if you purchase and drink this coffee, these are the kinds of things you might expect to happen in your life: poetic ramblings, nonsensical dreamings, and a nice of not overpowering flavoring of coffee. I hope you’ve enjoyed this totally unqualified coffee review. It’s been real, sort of.

Posted by Frank Marcopolos

Frank Marcopolos founded "The Whirligig" literary magazine in 1999, which has been called "a landmark, demonstrating the power of the literary underground." It has been said that "you get this true lion-roaring sense that Editor Frank Marcopolos knows what he likes, and how to read, and how to publish, and he has guts, and eats insects on Wheaties with bleach." His long-form fiction has been reviewed with such praise as "thorough-goingly entertaining" and "highly readable...recalls the style of Michael Chabon or John Irving. A literary gem that should not be missed." A broadcasting-school graduate, his unique literary-audio work has been featured in movie trailers, scholastic environments, and on YouTube, with one of his audiobooks achieving over 100,000 "views" there.