I have now twice spilled coffee on the front of my shirt. I apparently do not know how these coffee lids with holes in them work. I may need to be retrained in this “drinking” technique. The real problem, of course, is that they didn’t have straws at the self-service island. They have straws in the store, but not at the self-service island. Apparently, straws are not allowed to be self-dispensed. Straws can only be dispensed by the straw professionals, the coffee-slinging barista banditos.

Apparently, it is helpful to park one’s bottom lip beneath the coffee-lid hole. This gives the coffee-flow from cup to mouth a solid containment through which to deliver its caffeinated goodness. It also helps to park your upper lip over the coffee lid ridge above the hole. These are good tips. Another good tip is to completely finish drinking your sip before removing the coffee cup from your lip-embrace. These are the coffees of our times. And they demand your respect. If you do not properly respect your coffees, shirt-stain catastrophes ensue, until they drive you mad.

Posted by Frank Marcopolos

Frank Marcopolos lives in Austin, Texas. Hiding from the ever-present Texas sun because of a well-founded fear of skin cancer, he writes short stories and novels that have been praised by some readers, while others have been, like, "Meh." He also produces free audiobooks of public domain works on his YouTube channel. You can subscribe to that here: http://youtube.com/brooklynfrank